The Simplicity of Uncertainty

Recently LucyAnn and I were  talking to some friends about how isolating and difficult it has been dealing with the added uncertainty in our lives now, what with not knowing what the side effects of LucyAnn's chemotherapy will be and the timing of those effects. Little things like scheduling social activities, making time to spend with friends, and just being able to plan things in general become a little more complicated. I like the familiarity of sensing some certainty in life, of not wondering when the next shoe will drop.

I mentioned this to a counselor friend and his response was, don't be silly, of course the next shoe will drop, you can count on it, especially in this stage of life. But there's also a lot of beauty and living to be done between and even during the shoe drops.It was a reminder of the simplicity as well as the challenge of living with this uncertainty. As much as I might rage against it, there simply are no guarantees,.I'm beginning to realize that it's time for me to release this illusion and embrace all of it; the beauty and simplicity, before, during and after the shoe drops.

In Praise of Song

Last night LucyAnn and I were again treated to the healing songs of the Threshold Choir, an a cappella group who sing for and with those in need of healing. As usual, as they began singing I closed my eyes and let their soothing harmonies wash over me, bringing images of calm, of love and laughter, and of a deep sense of peace. I briefly opened my eyes and noticed LucyAnn sitting quietly, eyes closed and completely still, her tired eyes soft and relaxed, no longer tense and strained as they had been for most of the day. I thought what a gift these generous women bring to those they sing for. Through voice they create a deep spiritual space where the listener can just totally relax, quiet themselves, and begin to listen to their own personal inner voice of healing. Beautiful. Remarkable. I am so grateful for you. Thank you.

Strength

There are times that I look at LucyAnn and am so in awe of her strength and persistence. Not necessarily physically, as she is just beginning to gain her strength back from the first chemo round. But about her inner and emotional strength. I see it every day as she's able to push through all the fatigue and other various side effects of the chemotherapy she sometimes encounters. I think that's what courage is:to do the work and exercises necessary to be well again. It so inspires me.

Catching Breath

Breathing again. Our bodies de-stressing,easing, returning to a more normal state. It seems like for the first time we find ourselves relaxing a little from the trauma of the events of the past two weeks Friends sheparded me through learning how to muster resources to help LucyAnn with in-home care, physical and occupational therapy to help her get back on track and to keep me healthy to be able to take care of her during this time. She had her second round of chemotherapy September 27, one that the oncologist stepped back a bit due to her reaction to the first round. One day of chemo and three weeks to recover. LucyAnn is eating and drinking well and that's the job for these next three weeks: eat and drink and do all the exercises to heal her collarbone and gain strength. Back on the horse.