Lights In the Dark

I sit here in the quiet early morning overwhelmed by the outpouring of help and love from our friends that we have received, especially in the last difficult week.. I know I keep saying this, but until you actually experience and feel this kind of deep love, not as an idea, but in the everyday experience of receving it, can you truly know and feel that this is what is the most important thing in life. I don't know what LucyAnn and I have done to receive such kindness.I don't know what we would do without your support.

The last week or so has been very difficult for LucyAnn. She was admitted to the hospital for 3 days as a result of experiencing fever, high heart rate and general weakness. She was not able to eat or drink very much due to nausea which exaserbated the effects of the chemotherapy. All test and labs showed that all her symptoms were the result of the chemotherapy, and after receiving all necessary fluids she recovered well and actually got back her appetite and has been eating and drinking anything without nausea or stomach upset, a very positive development!

LucyAnn is still pretty weak but she is home now and bulking up on high protein and high acalorie foods to get her weight and strength up to get ready for next round of chemo. One unfortunate event was her falling the night after returning home from the hospital which resulted in a broken collarbone, which means 4-6 weeks healing with her arm in a sling. The stars must have been lined up wrong on that night. Here's hopng to no more "surprise" events like that. LucyAnn and I remain strong and hopeful.

Love and Purpose

"What life and love mean to me: The act of giving purpose to our own lives and then walking in empathy towards others with open arms and open hearts, ready to give and serve selflessly without expectation."

Ram Dass

Walking with LucyAnn awhile ago she said she was feeling bad about me having to take on caring for her during this difficult time. I thought for a moment and told her something I have been feeling for some time now. I told her that she has given me a gift, the gift of a new purpose, the clarity of turning the page to a new chapter in my life, a new chapter in both of our lives. It is the gift of each of us finding out what love is really all about. Finding the real meaning of the vow of "in sickness and in health" and how this experience continues to bring us closer to each other. I'm not downplaying what a hard and scary, seemingly impossible time it is for us. But as difficult as it is going through the realities of the chemo treatments, the fatigue, the nausea, the fears, the uncertainties, I am grateful for the deepening of our love and the spiritual gifts it brings. 

Hair_Loss

A few days ago a friend of LucyAnn's came over to cut her hair short, as a kind of first step toward adjusting to actually shaving her head. She will lose her hair very soon due to the chemo treatments and she wanted a little time to get used to the hair loss. On the surface the mood was upbeat and light, her friends laughing and commenting on how different and beautiful she looked (she did). There was talk about wigs and scarves and hats and how cute she would look wearing them (she would).

But as I watched her friend cut through the layers of LucyAnn's hair,I felt the presence of other layers; of loss, spoken and acknowledged in silence. Loss of control, loss of a sense of identity, loss of familiarity. I was reminded that the loss of one's hair, especially if it's not of your choosing, is a big deal. It is a deeply emotional life event not to be taken lightly; one that involves grieving and acknowledging its importance. What a privilege to witness this life event with LucyAnn.